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Yesterday, when I finished reading a book, I threw it across the room.

It pissed me off. It made me cry. It made me feel hopeless for the children of the world.

It was “The Nanny Diaries”. The fucking Nanny Diaries. A book I picked up for fluff reading for a buck at the local bookstore.

Ruined my evening. So, to try to combat that horrible feeling I was left with after finishing that book, I turn on the tv.

“Deep Impact” is on. You know, the one where the meteor crashes into the Earth, with the asteroid soon to follow to destroy the planet? I turned it on just in time to see the parents, locked in a traffic jam 6 miles from Virginia Beach, where the meteor was to hit, hand off their infant to their teenage daughter and her boyfriend. They are on a motor bike and can  head to higher ground. Watching those parents send away their children…then, when the tidal wave starts to come in, they just look at each other, holding each other. Gah! Tea Leoni waiting on the beach with Omar Sharif. Her last words as they clutch each other: “Daddy”.  The space crew, heading to blow up the asteroid. Saying their goodbyes to family back on earth. The husband and his toddler daughter saying goodbye to his wife, her mother, who will die on the space shuttle.

I couldn’t take it. I ran into the bedroom, stuffed my face in a pillow and just sobbed for 10 minutes.  I didn’t want to try to explain to Michael what was wrong. I just get so damn sentimental and upset at things like this since having Gracie. The thoughts…they come, unbidden, and I can’t hold them back.

Then, later, fucking “Armageddon”. And “Independence Day”. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON YESTERDAY WITH THE APOCOLYPTIC SHIT ON TV???

Ruined a perfectly good Sunday.

And that’s my rant for the day.

So…I’ve decided to recognize Lent this year. Not as a religious event/sacrifice/whathaveyou, but as a personal way of marking time. From the excesses of Mardi Gras, the Super Bowl (WOOHOO SAINTS!!!) and the disappearance of my New Year’s resolutions, I decided to do this exercise. Better myself. Physically and perhaps mentally.

I’m 30 pounds heavier than I would like to be. Personally. Not what society thinks I should be, not what the magazines think I should be. Than I want to be. It’s hell on my self-confidence and my sex life, unfortunately. My husband loves my body how it is, but I’m still self-conscious about it. So, it’s something I’d like to change. I rejoined Weight Watchers online. I had quite a bit of success with it last time, of course, I wasn’t cooking for three people then, either. I am also exercising. Jillian Michaels 30 day shred for one. I need to find a nice yoga workout for in between the OMG I want to throw up workouts.

I’m going to abstain from alcohol. Except for St. Patrick’s Day. I think maybe I’ve been hitting the bottle a bit too much lately, and that is contributing to my beer gut. 🙂 Damn you, Abita, and your delicious, delicious beers. This is going to be a war of willpower here…Michael always has something in the house. And after a day of toddler wrangling, a glass of wine or a couple of beers sound heavenly. Willpower, you must be my friend!

In the next ten days:

TAXES WILL BE DONE! THEY MUST!

Phew. I’m tired typing all of that out.

Yeah, my blog had 30 hits yesterday. I’ve never had more than 4 in a day. I’m making it non-searchable by search engines, but I may just delete it and start over. The stats suggest it’s people I know, and I wanted to stay anonymous.

I really liked my name here!!!! This sucks.

Mood swings. Tantrums. Hitting. “No!”. Whining. Screaming.

Where did my easygoing baby go? Oh, I still get tons of cuddles and kisses, but her tempermant has changed drastically. I think she’s in a growth spurt right now. She’s been waking up with pains in her legs, and when I rub them, she calms down. One day she’ll put down more food than I can, and the next day she won’t eat. It’s the attitude change that is getting to me. She can be so defiant! I can’t let her rule the house with this attitude, but I’m at a loss at what to do.

Even though I didn’t sleep well last night (Michael’s snoring drove me to the couch), we’ve had a good day so far. Woke up, showered, made breakfast for me and Gracie…when I got out the whisk to make the scrambled eggs, she grabbed it and said “I do!! I do!!!”. It was the first time I’d heard her say that. She is growing up so fast. Anyway, we had breakfast, got dressed and went to the Bounce House for playtime. What a workout! It’s one of those places with the huge inflatable bounce “houses” indoors…climbing ladders, sliding down slides, jumping through obstacles. We had fun. Mama got a nice vinyl burn on her elbow…I’ll live. Gracie loved it. We played for about an hour, then had lunch and came home. She’s napping peacefully now, so I’m getting in a little computer time. I’m trying to limit my surf time so I don’t get sucked in to every single web page…there is a life outside the ‘net. Or so I hear…LOL

To do anything. Write. Exercise. Laundry. Cook. Sex. Read. Play. All I want to do is sleep!!!! I’m trying trying trying not to slip away, but I’m finding it very hard.

Beautiful weather, and I don’t even want to bring my child outside. Too much hassle. So I’m sitting in the office, staring out the window, knowing I need to be doing SOMETHING.

I’m going to wake the girl from her nap and run around outside for a while. I really should be doing laundry instead…well, no. I need to laugh with my daughter for a while first. I hope the stinging caterpillars are gone.

My stepsister and her family survived the tornado that hit in Mississippi on Wednesday night. They lost everything they owned.

I saw pictures. There is no logical reason why they survived that tornado. Horrific.

So, Amber and I…we’ve spoken maybe 3-4 times over the past 10 years. She actually slept with a boyfriend of mine (when I wouldn’t) back in high school. So, we aren’t the best of friends or anything.

I get some clothes together, get some friends to donate some things for her and her family. My husband is asking me “Why? You don’t like her, you don’t like your parents, why bother?” He thinks I’m a sucker.

1. I feel bad for her. She’s lost her home, her sense of security. She clutched her infant to her while they were buffeted about the house that was falling down around her. No one deserves such things.

2. Karma. I don’t particularly believe in it, but hey, it can’t hurt.

3. Atheists can have compassion; be moral and good people.

4. I’m a softie. I’ll talk shit about you, say I hate you, but in crisis, I’m there for you.

5. I don’t want my stepmother to tell people I stood by and offered nothing. She would do that.

Call me hypocritical…eh.

My sister-in-law is in an opera at her college tonight. Her last performance before graduation. Michael and I were planning on going tonight. We were assured of at least one comp ticket, so that would cut down on our expenses for this week.

Denied. She gave it away to her semi-boyfriend’s mother.

This is AFTER we gave her $60 to pay for her character shoes for the opera. AFTER we have given her $150 for various things over the past few months. Now she wants us to shell out another $30 to see her on stage for 10 minutes?

No thank you’s, no “I’m sorry”….nada.

I’m tapped out, and I’m pissed.

I ordered from Schwan’s for the very first time last week. Today is delivery day.

It’s 5:15 and no frozen food has come to my door.

I want my Orange Sherbet Push-ups.

NOW.

The cake was an awesome finish to the meal. I had no idea it would taste so good.

Only 3 pieces were cut out of it last night. It’s mighty dangerous to have a loaded chocolate cake hanging around the kitchen. Especially when I’m home all day.

Willpower. Can I haz it?