Yesterday, when I finished reading a book, I threw it across the room.

It pissed me off. It made me cry. It made me feel hopeless for the children of the world.

It was “The Nanny Diaries”. The fucking Nanny Diaries. A book I picked up for fluff reading for a buck at the local bookstore.

Ruined my evening. So, to try to combat that horrible feeling I was left with after finishing that book, I turn on the tv.

“Deep Impact” is on. You know, the one where the meteor crashes into the Earth, with the asteroid soon to follow to destroy the planet? I turned it on just in time to see the parents, locked in a traffic jam 6 miles from Virginia Beach, where the meteor was to hit, hand off their infant to their teenage daughter and her boyfriend. They are on a motor bike and can  head to higher ground. Watching those parents send away their children…then, when the tidal wave starts to come in, they just look at each other, holding each other. Gah! Tea Leoni waiting on the beach with Omar Sharif. Her last words as they clutch each other: “Daddy”.  The space crew, heading to blow up the asteroid. Saying their goodbyes to family back on earth. The husband and his toddler daughter saying goodbye to his wife, her mother, who will die on the space shuttle.

I couldn’t take it. I ran into the bedroom, stuffed my face in a pillow and just sobbed for 10 minutes.  I didn’t want to try to explain to Michael what was wrong. I just get so damn sentimental and upset at things like this since having Gracie. The thoughts…they come, unbidden, and I can’t hold them back.

Then, later, fucking “Armageddon”. And “Independence Day”. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON YESTERDAY WITH THE APOCOLYPTIC SHIT ON TV???

Ruined a perfectly good Sunday.

And that’s my rant for the day.

So…I’ve decided to recognize Lent this year. Not as a religious event/sacrifice/whathaveyou, but as a personal way of marking time. From the excesses of Mardi Gras, the Super Bowl (WOOHOO SAINTS!!!) and the disappearance of my New Year’s resolutions, I decided to do this exercise. Better myself. Physically and perhaps mentally.

I’m 30 pounds heavier than I would like to be. Personally. Not what society thinks I should be, not what the magazines think I should be. Than I want to be. It’s hell on my self-confidence and my sex life, unfortunately. My husband loves my body how it is, but I’m still self-conscious about it. So, it’s something I’d like to change. I rejoined Weight Watchers online. I had quite a bit of success with it last time, of course, I wasn’t cooking for three people then, either. I am also exercising. Jillian Michaels 30 day shred for one. I need to find a nice yoga workout for in between the OMG I want to throw up workouts.

I’m going to abstain from alcohol. Except for St. Patrick’s Day. I think maybe I’ve been hitting the bottle a bit too much lately, and that is contributing to my beer gut. :) Damn you, Abita, and your delicious, delicious beers. This is going to be a war of willpower here…Michael always has something in the house. And after a day of toddler wrangling, a glass of wine or a couple of beers sound heavenly. Willpower, you must be my friend!

In the next ten days:

TAXES WILL BE DONE! THEY MUST!

Phew. I’m tired typing all of that out.

I added a new page to my blog – “Books I’ve Read in 2010″. I read a ton of books, and have never kept a list. I decided to do so this year.

Feel free to leave suggestions in comments!

As usual, I’m late with the sentiment. :)

2009…where did the year go? Gratefully, nothing bad happened to our family in 2009.  There were actually some good things, now that I think about it.

Michael and I went on a real, one week vacation. Without Gracie. We got to explore a new area that we are interested in moving to, and that was spectacular.

I went back to college, after being out for 5 years, and completed my Bachelor’s degree in one semester. Yay!! I’m finally a bona fide edumacated person. And it only took 14 years and 50K in student loans. That’s the bad part, I guess…I’ll be paying those back FOR-EV-ER.

Gracie has continued to develop into such a special, beautiful, smart and SASSY toddler. :) While her energy, her love, her curiousness amazes me, her whining and sassiness wear me out…so goes being the parent of a toddler.

2009 wasn’t a bad year. It was stagnant in some ways, progressive in others. I don’t think it was regressive in any way, so that’s good.

What are some goals for 2010?

Get back in the work force. Time to go back to work to bulk up our savings. I’m looking forward to it in some ways; being around adults, set routine, some mad money of my own. I am NOT happy about putting Gracie in day care, though. I don’t know where to begin in finding a good one, and I have to see where I’m getting a job (anywhere in a 50 mile radius) before I can decide where to put her. I’m not happy about her, at 2.5 years old, being away from both parents for 10 hours a day. My time with her is precious, and I’m scared of the consequences.

Better budgeting. Trim the fat. Sacrifice. If we want to get out of this hellhole before Gracie starts Kindergarten, we have to sacrifice. It’s the only way.

Get in shape. Come on, this HAS to be on the list. It’s on everyone’s.

Ramp up the bedroom athletics. Since G. was born, I’m not the same. We used to be 4-6 time a week, people. Now, I’m lucky if I feel like doing it 2x a week. It’s not because I’m tired, or stressed…it’s gotta be hormones or something. It’s gotta give, and it’s gotta give soon.

Pay down our $1800 credit card debt and pay FIL $2000 that he loaned me for school.

That’s a good start. I’ll probably add to it at some point.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, my zero readers. :)

Fuck if I know…LOL. I always think I’m going to put down these brilliant ideas I have rattling around in my head. It never happens.

School is good, if tough. It would be nice if I could get some time to study. FIL was supposed to watch the girl for me last evening, and he flaked out. Annoying, for sure. I’m just no good after 10pm.

I also should be working out.

My DNA contains zero motivation.

I have five potential blog posts rambling about in my head. One on feminism and if I really am a feminist; one on current books; one on parenting; and a couple random thoughts that I’m trying to flesh out.

So, you may be asking (the 3 people that may stumble over this blog in a given week) “Why aren’t you posting?”

I don’t know why. I sit down at the computer, during the girl’s nap time, surf around, and I just can’t compose my thoughts well enough to actually type it out. Maybe I’m afraid of sounding dumb. I think, what’s the use? No one will read it anyway. I did start this blog just for me, to put down my rants and raves just to do it.

So why don’t I?

Yeah, my blog had 30 hits yesterday. I’ve never had more than 4 in a day. I’m making it non-searchable by search engines, but I may just delete it and start over. The stats suggest it’s people I know, and I wanted to stay anonymous.

I really liked my name here!!!! This sucks.

Mood swings. Tantrums. Hitting. “No!”. Whining. Screaming.

Where did my easygoing baby go? Oh, I still get tons of cuddles and kisses, but her tempermant has changed drastically. I think she’s in a growth spurt right now. She’s been waking up with pains in her legs, and when I rub them, she calms down. One day she’ll put down more food than I can, and the next day she won’t eat. It’s the attitude change that is getting to me. She can be so defiant! I can’t let her rule the house with this attitude, but I’m at a loss at what to do.

Even though I didn’t sleep well last night (Michael’s snoring drove me to the couch), we’ve had a good day so far. Woke up, showered, made breakfast for me and Gracie…when I got out the whisk to make the scrambled eggs, she grabbed it and said “I do!! I do!!!”. It was the first time I’d heard her say that. She is growing up so fast. Anyway, we had breakfast, got dressed and went to the Bounce House for playtime. What a workout! It’s one of those places with the huge inflatable bounce “houses” indoors…climbing ladders, sliding down slides, jumping through obstacles. We had fun. Mama got a nice vinyl burn on her elbow…I’ll live. Gracie loved it. We played for about an hour, then had lunch and came home. She’s napping peacefully now, so I’m getting in a little computer time. I’m trying to limit my surf time so I don’t get sucked in to every single web page…there is a life outside the ‘net. Or so I hear…LOL

To do anything. Write. Exercise. Laundry. Cook. Sex. Read. Play. All I want to do is sleep!!!! I’m trying trying trying not to slip away, but I’m finding it very hard.

Beautiful weather, and I don’t even want to bring my child outside. Too much hassle. So I’m sitting in the office, staring out the window, knowing I need to be doing SOMETHING.

I’m going to wake the girl from her nap and run around outside for a while. I really should be doing laundry instead…well, no. I need to laugh with my daughter for a while first. I hope the stinging caterpillars are gone.

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